Lingering Pain (A writing for the sake of writing)

I often think about my life and sigh in deep frustration, if frustration can ever be deep.
I don't wish for life to go quickly but the pace seems to be lacking signs of, well, life.

I want something more than just preparing for schoolwork or church work.
I want to be able to say that I have to do this or that. I would prefer options than usual routine.
But once I gain more options I will wish for routine.

I think back to times when there were friends.
Times when I had two little boys watching and learning from me.
A home where I felt truly useful.
Pressures from teachers...the good kind of pressures.

I feel helpless in this dark age.
Useless in the light.
There are no grey (gray) areas.

So where do I belong?